I beg your pardon. . . I pardon you. . . I pardon myself
On the last day of the retreat I experienced something happening that is so rare in our lives now: the power of forgiveness.
During the debrief, our teachers, started off by doing something that perhaps came as a shock to our “modern” sensibilities: they asked for our forgiveness if they have done anything to hurt or upset us during the retreat! Amongst other things, they said that if they spoke in too harsh a tone at times, it is only out of concern for our development and they never intend to make us feel upset or to scold us. They also asked for forgiveness from the organisers and helpers if they have caused them upset or any resentment over any of their instructions during their stay in Singapore. This was followed by an uneasy silence. Then Ven Mahinda said with a smile, “. . . so then you must say that you forgive us!” We laughed and said that we forgive them. This felt so weird but many of us we so moved tears started to form in our eyes.
The organisers were very moved by the teacher’s words and they decided to ask for our forgiveness too if they have done anything that hurt us or upset us in anyway. Many of them started to cry when we not just said that we forgave them but a few of the participants came up one at a time to express our thanks to the good care and to say how touched we were by the hard work and meticulous care that the organisers have taken with running the retreat. I felt a tremendous sense of gratitude and relief break forth in the meditation hall. Many were in tears and I felt that we have broken some horrible walls between us and there was such a sense of trust and confidence now in each other. Nothing was being held back and we gained an acceptance of each other and of ourselves for being that which we truly are: imperfect beings trying to be the best we can be. I felt liberated from deep-set resentments that I did not even know were there. How do we live carrying all these resentments within us caused by an ego bruised, whether knowingly or unknowingly by what others have done and what we ourselves have done?
Ven Mahinda said that there are 3 parts to forgiveness: first you ask for others’ forgiveness, then you forgive others and thirdly, you must forgive yourself. He said that traditionally, you ask our parents and loved ones for forgiveness and also forgive them for anything that they might have done to cause us hurt. Easier said than done. He recounted on how he sought his parents’ forgiveness after he ordained as a monk and how they were in tears but how much the trust and love followed freely after that.
He acknowledged that it may be hard to face up to someone to ask for their forgiveness in certain cases. However, he encouraged us to silently ask for their forgiveness in our own hearts first and then when the time is right and when we have built up the courage, we can do it face to face.
How to go about doing this? Sometimes it’s hard to put these things into words. Here’s a suggested way of asking for forgiveness in the 3 parts:
[1] Ask for forgiveness from others: “If I have done anything wrong, whether in body, speech or mind, whether intentionally or unintentionally, I seek your forgiveness.”
[2] Forgive others: “If you have done anything wrong, whether in body speech or mind, whether intentionally or unintentionally, I forgive you.”
[3] Forgive yourself: If I have done anything wrong, whether in body speech or mind, whether intentionally or unintentionally, I forgive myself.”
Realise that when we seek forgiveness, we are also admitting that anything we do wrong is committed out of ignorance, a lack of mindfulness or a lack of wisdom. Ultimately, it is only when we can admit our faults, admit that we do commit errors, sometimes without our own knowledge, that we can accept ourselves and be able to change, to grow and be happy. This is the antidote to blaming others and ourselves, to the poison of guilt and loss of faith in ourselves and others that so plagues our relationships and our lives today.
During the debrief, our teachers, started off by doing something that perhaps came as a shock to our “modern” sensibilities: they asked for our forgiveness if they have done anything to hurt or upset us during the retreat! Amongst other things, they said that if they spoke in too harsh a tone at times, it is only out of concern for our development and they never intend to make us feel upset or to scold us. They also asked for forgiveness from the organisers and helpers if they have caused them upset or any resentment over any of their instructions during their stay in Singapore. This was followed by an uneasy silence. Then Ven Mahinda said with a smile, “. . . so then you must say that you forgive us!” We laughed and said that we forgive them. This felt so weird but many of us we so moved tears started to form in our eyes.
The organisers were very moved by the teacher’s words and they decided to ask for our forgiveness too if they have done anything that hurt us or upset us in anyway. Many of them started to cry when we not just said that we forgave them but a few of the participants came up one at a time to express our thanks to the good care and to say how touched we were by the hard work and meticulous care that the organisers have taken with running the retreat. I felt a tremendous sense of gratitude and relief break forth in the meditation hall. Many were in tears and I felt that we have broken some horrible walls between us and there was such a sense of trust and confidence now in each other. Nothing was being held back and we gained an acceptance of each other and of ourselves for being that which we truly are: imperfect beings trying to be the best we can be. I felt liberated from deep-set resentments that I did not even know were there. How do we live carrying all these resentments within us caused by an ego bruised, whether knowingly or unknowingly by what others have done and what we ourselves have done?
Ven Mahinda said that there are 3 parts to forgiveness: first you ask for others’ forgiveness, then you forgive others and thirdly, you must forgive yourself. He said that traditionally, you ask our parents and loved ones for forgiveness and also forgive them for anything that they might have done to cause us hurt. Easier said than done. He recounted on how he sought his parents’ forgiveness after he ordained as a monk and how they were in tears but how much the trust and love followed freely after that.
He acknowledged that it may be hard to face up to someone to ask for their forgiveness in certain cases. However, he encouraged us to silently ask for their forgiveness in our own hearts first and then when the time is right and when we have built up the courage, we can do it face to face.
How to go about doing this? Sometimes it’s hard to put these things into words. Here’s a suggested way of asking for forgiveness in the 3 parts:
[1] Ask for forgiveness from others: “If I have done anything wrong, whether in body, speech or mind, whether intentionally or unintentionally, I seek your forgiveness.”
[2] Forgive others: “If you have done anything wrong, whether in body speech or mind, whether intentionally or unintentionally, I forgive you.”
[3] Forgive yourself: If I have done anything wrong, whether in body speech or mind, whether intentionally or unintentionally, I forgive myself.”
Realise that when we seek forgiveness, we are also admitting that anything we do wrong is committed out of ignorance, a lack of mindfulness or a lack of wisdom. Ultimately, it is only when we can admit our faults, admit that we do commit errors, sometimes without our own knowledge, that we can accept ourselves and be able to change, to grow and be happy. This is the antidote to blaming others and ourselves, to the poison of guilt and loss of faith in ourselves and others that so plagues our relationships and our lives today.
